Kanye West to World: “Obama Don’t Like Black People!”

Hibbings, Maine - The scene was easy and breezy, the mood one of pastoral celebration and happy reflection on this, the sesquicentennial of one of the oldest and quaintest towns in New England. It was just past noon on just about one of the brightest and sunniest Summer Fair days Hibbings had ever been blessed to know, and Little Janie Lymon, only 11 years old, was just approaching the stage to accept her award for Best Pie in the Annual Pie-Baking contest, which has been held in the town for over 117 consecutive years (a distinction for which it had received a special award for Best Pie-Baking Contest in the previous year), and which was almost always won in the past by Old Lady Crawford, the mysterious old lady whom the local children and many adults affectionately called The Swamp Witch, as she was always hidden beneath many veils, as if horribly disfigured--and the fact that she'd won that contest every year for over 92 years was also a notably suspicious and troubling aspect of the overall equation; but in truth, no one really knew what the hell Old Lady Crawford looked like; they only knew that that crazy ol' bitch could cook.

This year, however, was different; and Janie was excited and quite nervous as she made her way to the dais, having only entered the contest at the urging of her mother and aunt, and having not had any real expectation of placing in, let alone winning... but before she could reach the microphone to thank her teachers, family, friends, Godimage - god and of course, her numerous household pets, suddenly rapper and self-proclaimed King of All Geniuses Kanye West appeared as if from nowhere, landing upon the high platform in what appeared to be a pair of very stylish, custom-made spring-loaded platform shoes, as if he'd been catapulted into the fair by some sort of ancient hurling device. West immediately seized the mic, and Janie's spotlight, and proceeded to turn the once-orderly and happy event into utter chaos.

Many locals believe this to be the only existing photograph of Old Lady Crawford

"Wait a minute, now, wait a minute--I munna let you finish, I munna let you finish, I just wanna say that Old Lady Crawford makes the sweetest sweet potato pie OF ALL TIME!, I tell ya, it's hot and steamin' and so sweet you wanna die! It's THAT good, it's that good!--AN' PRESIDENT OBAMA DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE!Rather than being thrilled, Obama looks somewhat uneasy during this chance meeting/photo op with Mrs. Butterworthimage - obama and mrs butterworth" he concluded quickly and defiantly as local 4-H'ers grabbed their bullropes and pitchforks and began forming a number of posses and mobs spontaneously... but before they could do anything more than mutter fearfully amongst themselves or light a single torch, West was gone again, disappearing into a puff of dry ice, and little Janie Lymon was left sobbing upon the stage, holding her sad little pieimage - sad little pie, from which a very large piece was now conspicuously missing.

"It was horrible," said one of the judges for the contest later. "It was as if someone had stuck in their thumb and pulled out a plum, then another and another... just gruesome. How could someone violate something so sweet and innocent that way? And now no one wants to touch her pie or have anything to do with her. That little girl's life is basically over."

Reached at the White House for comment, a spokesman for the Presidentimage - sweetums said simply "Kanye who?"

A spokesperson for Beyonce Knowles repeated that very same response verbatim to members of the music press, just as they've been doing regularly for these last several years.

D X Stone is in a world of her own
  in Women on

You will leave a comment. All the cool people do...